Pain

I haven’t written in a while, it sucks! I use to be so passionate about writing. I thought it was my way of telling the world that no one is alone; somehow this year, I’ve felt alone. To be blunt, I still do feel alone. I’m emotional, but somehow I never ever come to terms with my feelings. I’ve learnt the hard way what I need to do to change my life. I’ve grown mentally but sometimes still struggle to reach my “path”. I’m only in high school which is funny, because for a person this young I’ve had my fair share of mental pain. All in all, this isn’t an excuse. 

One of the many things I’ve learnt is that I have stop making bs excuses for my actions. I wanted to write and post this because telling people my emotions is easier than facing them alone. I know so many people who go through the same stress as I do. It’s honestly sad, the amount of people who go through so much stress. For what, a good grade? A “good” SAT/ACT score? Friends? What is stress? I looked it up and Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as a: a force exerted when one body or body part presses on, pulls on, pushes against, or tends to compress or twist another body or body part b: the deformation caused in a body by such a force c: a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation

d: a state resulting from a stress;  especially, one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium. 

There are 4 different definitions, so I guess we never get an actual answer. Anyway continuing on from all this smart ass talk, I am stressed. I am in a state resulting from mental tension from factors that alter an existing equilibrium. Ya, I wasn’t quite done with the smart ass talk. This year has been one of the hardest years I’ve had, I did not show it, but it was hard as a rock; one of those really really old rocks that has been here since the dinosaurs and is indestructible. As of this moment, writing this has made me realize how crappy I feel, to say the least. I know I use to be all sunshine and positivity; part of me still very much is, and it’s the only part I show people. I don’t exactly know why I am so frustrated, sad, and angry. I go through a lot of pressure, like many people of my age who go to high school, and somehow that has never gotten to me like it has this year. Mentally, I changed, I got tired of people who treated me like crap and then made me apologize; I got tired of making excuses for my actions; I got tired for not trying hard enough; I got tired of people putting unnecessary pressure and setting unrealistic expectations; I got tired of never being happy. As you can read, I probably didn’t sleep that much to be this tired. LOL. I actually slept good this year. Next year, I hope to make a change! I hope to put my mental health first, to stop making excuses, to feel good about the small victories, and to continue to surround myself with people who make me feel good. Life always gets better, no matter what you are going through. Like I said, the positive me is still there. I know a lot of people are going through different things and I’m always here to talk. Talking about your pain and feelings is the first step and it’s one of the only things you can control. Feel free to email me if you need jokes or advice!! Always stay sunny guys.